Time for a Change

  

Sometimes I still cannot understand how the world works.

I am not perfect nor do I claim to be perfect.  I’ve made huge, perhaps humongous might be the politically correct term to use here if pertaining to the mistakes I made at some point in my life.  And I owned up or at least trying to own up to every single one of them.  I never said I was right to begin with as well.  If there is one thing I learned from somebody, who from time to time told or berated me to change or own up to my mistakes is that, I don’t have anybody or anyone else to blame but myself for the “shit” that’s happening in my life and the best thing I can do is to stand up and do something about it.  I might have not appreciated it during that time but at the point where I am now, it continuously echoes inside my head, I guess he was right all along.  I was just too proud and too consumed in my own little world to hear or acknowledge what he was trying to tell me all these years.

Here I am at the lowest point in my life, struggling to raise and provide for a son and another one coming soon on my own.  It made me realize of all the things I took for granted before.  I know there is no use crying over spilled milk but perhaps going back to what I used to have will somehow make me stronger today and give me that necessary drive to really get up and change the course of my life and knowing the fact that I can still make it happen.

I have been “hoodwinked” not only once or twice by the one person I trusted the most.  Much as I want to blame him for everything that is happening to me, I’d rather put bygones into bygones because if there is one GOOD thing he gave me out of it was that he gave me two wonderful blessings in life.  I might be struggling now, but I know someday and somehow, these two blessings will be my driving force to succeed.  I know and I am certain that I will do everything, even if it means working 24 hours a day, just to provide and give them a future that I can be proud off someday.  I don’t blame him as well, I did have a choice, there were plenty of available choices right in front of me but I just chose to stand up and be a “man” and face my situation head on.  I don’t have any regrets being with him because having my two children is probably the best thing I ever did in my life.

I am doing my best right now in keeping me, the “coming soon” and Patrick together as much as I can.  I might not be able to give Patrick everything he wants right now or take him to places other “double parents” take their children but I’ll be damned not to make that as a goal for the three of us.

I am writing this at 12:30 in the morning with my son sleeping on my chest because of a cough that’s making it difficult for him to sleep.  This is also why I came to this realization, that in spite of every bad thing and decision I made in my life, this one tiny little person still doesn’t judge me, gives me a chance to change and loves me unconditionally.

I will make that change… not only for me but for the only two right things I made in my life.